But Am I Thankful?

It is Thanksgiving week and I am a bit out of sorts.  I find myself wondering if I am really thankful or if I am just sort of going through the motions. I have heard you should "fake it until you make it" and I wonder if I am faking it more than making it. But I continue. I go through the week reminding myself to be thankful and posting little snippets on my Facebook wall of the things I am thankful for each day.  Family, friends, food, clothing, home, job....all my basic blessings go on the list.  And, everything is going quite well; everything is okay. But still something is not quite right. It is all okay but not great.  The food is good. There is lots of food to eat...turkey, stuffing, potatoes, rolls.....the same as every other year. The kids visit and I enjoy their company. Everything is fine and I'm relatively happy.  I am thankful I tell myself but somehow I am not quite with it....not quite where I should be. Again, I think that maybe today is no different from any other day.

As evening comes, the house is quiet. The kids are long gone home and I am mostly resting alone with my husband and my thoughts. I step outside on the back deck for a breath of fresh air. The air is cool but not uncomfortable so I stay for a bit. It is quiet as dusk comes. There are a few birds flitting back and forth to the feeders getting one last seed or two. The wind has died down and a few last leaves flutter to the ground.  Somewhere a flock of geese flies and I still my breath so that I can hear their soft muffled honking way off in the distance. Even though there is still a little too much light for good star gazing, I see that a few stars do twinkle in the sky above. The evening star shines brightly - always there - always available for a wish or two. "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight; I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight". The rhyme from my childhood comes easily to mind and I gaze at the star and send up one small forelorn wish to the heavens. No, it is more of a prayer than a wish. Even as I say the prayer, in my mind I realize that the prayer already being answered. The solitude of the night surrounds me as the last of the weak late autumn sunlight dims in the western sky. Then all of the earth goes still and quiet around me. I stand there another moment and it is just a moment, one short breath of time, I am apart from the earth and all things around me. I am silent and alone in my thoughts. The lights in the houses across the way shine across the night and I am reminded that my neighbors are safely inside for the night and going about their lives unaware that I am here alone watching at dusk.

Then I step back inside and into the light of the kitchen. My husband hears me and calls out from downstairs to remind me that the game is coming on soon and he wonders if I might fix up a couple turkey sandwiches and maybe heat up some of that green bean casserole that is leftover. I smile as I spead the mayonnaise on the bread and tear a bit of lettuce to add to the turkey. A little cranberry sauce might be good too. I find myself humming and I get this cold supper together. "Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, let the earth hear his voice. Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, let the people rejoice...". I realize that I am back. Back from my reverie. Back in the right frame of mind. Then I correct myself. Not "mind". I am back in the right frame of heart.